The door opens: I got a new job - meet GC

I got the news on the best vacation I've had in a year. There I was in the hotel when I got the call from my recruiter: They are sending you the letter of offer today. Congratulations.

Elated. Happy. But I was mostly relieved.

It felt as if I've been holding my breath for months, and I could only now take a breath.

But whatever happiness I felt was blunted by a sense of caution in my spirit. After two bad jobs back-to-back, I've come to look at job opportunities with less naive joy. I'm now "cautiously hopeful".

Not my new office, but it looks like this, down to the beanie-T-shirt-wearing dude

Meet GC

I'll call my new company the GC. It's prestigious, with branches in the United States, UK, Asia - every continent you can imagine. Their benefits make my eyes pop. Their office is Google-lite, with pool tables, bean bags and coffee bars, and the contract explicitly states that I can start at whatever time I want as long as it's 8 hours a day. They were at the penthouse of the office building and one of the places to "hang out" was a massive courtyard garden with a killer city view. The place SCREAMED MONEY AND PRESTIGE. But what impressed me most about GC was it's thorough, meticulous hiring process.

You know what they say - if the hiring process is chaotic, watch out! That's a red flag. I can attest to that because that's ever so true with Crazy Co.

GC, however, was extremely meticulous and systematic. The first interview was with the hiring manager who lay out what exactly the job was about, what it's like working in the company etc. She took time to get to know me. She gave me homework to do - a proposal.

Second interview I met the team - the folks I'd be working with. They seem like a laidback, happy bunch. To be honest, I failed the second interview because I did the wrong type of proposal. Notably, she praised me first for preparing so throughly but told me that I didn't do what she wanted. The hiring manager decided to give me a second chance. This whole process made me feel that she was a fair person who didn't view failure as a catastrophe. She gave chances. She was kind and considerate because she didn't insist that I come for the third interview during working hours - she accommodated my time instead.

Third interview went much better. I realised, unlike the first proposal (which I hated to do), this one was totally in my league. I even had a blast doing it. So much so that I created a bonus concept video that made the entire team laugh.

I knew the interview went well, but I also knew I was up against stiff competition. This was a huge company with a huge pool of talent to pick from.

I didn't think they'd pick me.

But thank God they did.

Resigning

You know what they say - that you should give your resignation in person? Well, I totally broke that. Since I was in another state, and since GC wanted me ASAP, I had to resign immediately. As I worked up the courage to quit by phone, work was calling me off and on. 

With each call, my compassion/guilt disappeared.

Here I was on my vacation and they would not fucking leave me alone.

So when I made the call, I couldn't do it fast enough. Boss and I discussed the various disasters that have befallen the company while I was away. I gave her a rundown of my tasks and then, casually said, "Oh by the way, I'm resigning."

A pause. Then, "Oh."

I wasn't as heroic as I sounded. I was frankly terrified. Terrified because I didn't want to give a single hint about where I was going next. I stammered out a vague reason for leaving which probably made the new boss wonder what I was drinking.

When I disconnected the call, I felt as if a million tonnes had fallen off my shoulders.

I sent the email, cced HR. And slept like a baby that night.

The news is out

News got out that I resigned.

One day, I gathered with a couple of colleagues who ranted and raved about how badly Crazy Co had treated them.

Listening to them grew depressing after a while. Sure, it was fun to rant along with them for a while, but it got old after half an hour. I listened to them for another hour and thought to myself, "Dear God, how do people allow themselves to become so bitter and jaded?"

One colleague remarked that while the other colleagues would be able to manage the insane shenanigans of Crazy Co, she knew that I never had it in me to manage.

"I knew you won't be able to handle it."

That stabbed me in the heart. I suppose she was explicitly saying that I was too weak for Crazy Co.

The whole thing left a sour taste in my mouth. A toxic environment just twists people up. If I stayed any longer, I would be THEM.

Yes, I couldn't handle Crazy Co. I admit that.  

I had the fortune to work for a relatively healthy company for 10+ years. People stayed at that company for decades, and there's a very good reason why. So, perhaps I never really built the skills and muscles you need to navigate cut-throat corporate environments like Crazy Co, but my exposure to it has taught me how to protect myself and how to spot a toxic workplace immediately.

It also taught me what I liked or disliked when it came to work:

• I don't do well in formal, heavily bureaucratic environments 
• I don't like jobs where you have to be "on" 24/7
• Micromanaging bosses ... no, just no.
• I prefer a contributor role, not a managerial one
• I don't do well in cut-throat environments

So thanks, Crazy Co. Although you are probably the WORST EVER COMPANY I've worked for, you've taught me a lot. You've taught me resilience, and you've taught me to forget you in the ashes of my resume history.

PS: This article has been edited. I just realise that I'm leaving far too many clues about my workplace and I can't be too careful right now!!

Waiting a toxic job out while you wait for the door to open

A Purple Life’s post, 16 Months to retirement: Discovering cracks in my favourite company, made me think about my current situation at Crazy Co.

Now, it seems almost “mean” to call my company that, but read on.

Long story short, I had a toxic boss who made my life utter hell.

But, me, being the stubborn mule that I am, refused to quit just because I’m bullied.

Fortunately, X just left the company.

Now that X is gone, things have improved quite a bit. 

I’m no longer having crying spells on the way to work or panic attacks in the toilet. I’m no longer hiding in corners of the office to avoid colleagues.

Some of the good changes:

1. Less stress 

It’s amazing what removing a bully boss can do for your mental health!! I’m myself again, able to laugh, joke and smile at work. Before, I was like a little frightened rabbit in my cubicle, trying my best to not “trigger” my boss who would get angry for the most random thing. I could  say more but I feel exhausted just thinking about it. Living with this form of … control? insanity? is not advisable to say the least!

2. I get to work from home once a week

After my boss left, I was promptly given the chance to work remotely and it has made my work life soooo much better. I work so much better from home (or at cafes!). It actually makes me more productive. Also, it’s so nice to be away from office politics.

3. My colleagues are much friendlier 

I suppose it’s what you call “guilt by association”. My boss imposed a way of working that placed our department at odds with other departments . X considered us the “watchdogs”. Naturally, this didn’t sit well with many. So most colleagues avoided me, was distant and aloof … but the moment I stood up to X, things changed. One of the ways I rebelled was to refuse to do things her way. Instead of just communicating and barking orders at people via email, I would walk to a person’s desk and talk to them about work. (Then email them, cos this office is mad about documentation lol.)

Also, I became my loud, vivacious self again.  

One of my personality type’s superpowers was that I am good with people and I am great at making people happy. Why not use it to get work done? I did, and it not only warmed me up to the other departments, it made things so much easier to do! Now I’m “part of the gang”. 

Bad things

While it’s so much better now that X is gone, things at the office are still a mess. I believe X was only a symptom of an endemic problem. To cut the story short, the company is very, very dysfunctional.

1. A culture of disrespect

Rude behaviour is tolerated and propagated by leadership. Managers are allowed to cut down and insult subordinates and other colleagues, and failure is NOT tolerated. It has created a culture of fear and wariness.

2. Reactive and chaotic

Projects are thrown on our laps at the last minute. “Scope creep” is almost always a guarantee as our leaders do not respect the parameters that were agreed upon, and keep changing their minds. Most departments don’t communicate with each other, and my department is often left picking up the pieces when things don’t work out - which means we are often scrambling to do work last minute and over the weekend.

3. Value clash

4. Oh, you’re a warm body - so do this.

At the interview, I was made to understand by X that I was being hired to do Job A. On my first day, I found out I was taking over not one, but two job scopes. The second of which I had no experience. Never mind, thought I, I’m happy to learn. Only this never stopped. Job C was added to me. Then Job D. Job E and so on. To make it all worse, no training or direction was given. 

Every task has been an exhausting, uphill battle because I had to learn how to do and execute them on my own without any help or guidance of any kind. In fact, asking for help or guidance was viewed as a weakness by my superiors, who think you should be able to “figure things out on your own because you’re a manager after all”. 

I’m the sort of person who needs to know how things are done before executing said task. Not doing it that way would be an exercise of futility as I’ll be wasting time bumbling around making mistake after mistake. Once I know the SOP, I would often tweak it to make it more efficient - that’s what i enjoy doing. But I certainly do NOT enjoy groping in the dark for answers while trying to complete something on a tight deadline.

All this is exhausting and nerve wrecking.

Still, the positive changes has bought me precious time to consider my next move. I’ve even found the strength to job search. (If my boss was still there trying her Machiavellian moves on me, you bet I’ll be out of there by yesterday.)

Many people have told me to quit without another job lined up - even my Boomer parents who worked in civil service and can’t comprehend quitting without another job. And I’m 80% in agreement with them.

But I don’t want to do that until I have exhausted all my options.

I have FI goals, and as silly as it sounds, I don’t feel it’s the right time for me to quit a job cold turkey.

My goal was to slow down my working life (Barista Fire, baby) at 45. I’m three years away, financially speaking. The goal is to work at a high-paying job for at least 3 years to sock away as much money as I can to make Barista Fire possible. I’m ALMOST there in terms of savings, but not quite there yet. If I slow down now, at my age, I’m not sure if I’ll ever meet the goal.

Also, maybe, I’m just too gritty for my own good.

But what I’m doing is this:

1. Wait for a job offer

I’ve been interviewing the last few months. NOT EASY when you are tired out from all the dysfunction and last-minute demands for deliverables. I’m currently waiting for a job offer from a company I’ve interviewed at. If this doesn’t come with a job offer, I will…

2. Stop applying for jobs and wait out until my contract ends.

Stealth job hunting is doing a number on my health. And since I am only three months away from the end of my contract, i’ll wait the contract out. I don’t plan to renew my contract. However, if things really improve, I may reconsider. (But I doubt it. I don’t think this level of dysfunction can be fixed in a couple of months.)

3. Meanwhile, take advantage of my remote working benefits

You bet I’ll be working more outside the office. The perks of my job is that it is “understood” that if you have to attend an event, you are not required to return to the office. So I’m going to take advantage of that and also work from home on my designated day.

4. The Whatever voice

I confess, I am a non-confrontational person and hate conflict. But after months of being under my toxic boss, I’ve lost the patience to put up with bad behaviour. I used to be afraid of asking for clarification or even permission to do stuff lest I trigger these folks - now I do both, expecting them to react with a tornado of cutting insults and with my inner voice going, “WHATEVER”. (That usually makes me grin, which makes some of them even madder lol)

5. Feel the fear and do it anyway

Now, when I get a task that is beyond my abilities or experience, I will shrug to myself and say, “Well, consider this an experiment. Here’s your chance to add a skillset to your resume. If you fail, so be it. You’re leaving in three months, anyway!” It has helped with my stress levels. But I suppose this is what you call “disengagement?” :P

All in all, having some financial independence has helped me cope with Crazy Co. I have funds for a year without a job, and while that’s not ideal, it’s still something for me to tide things by while I find a healthier place to work in. That keeps a bunch of stress away.

That's why I paid off all my debts and saved a bunch of money - to prepare for a day like this.

PS: This article has been edited.

Job Searching while Battling Burnout & Exhaustion

Was reading 76k Project's post, Coping with my job while I'm searching for my unicorn, and I'm thinking - wow, this is totally where I'm at right now.

I've been attending job interviews - some of them at prestigious companies that I never thought would look my way. I have had headhunters coming towards me offering me opportunities. Yesterday, I bumped into an old boss who offered me the chance to return to the Good Ol' Company part time.

I'm really blessed, honestly. But I'm finding it all very draining and exhausting.

In fact, when these HR folks/recruiters called me, my first reaction is often irritation.

Why are they calling me now? Why do they insist I can only interview on that day? Do they think i can just take leave like that? What? I have to do yet another proposal to show my worth and expertise? Don't they realise these proposals take two days to prepare, and I am doing this after my full-time, demanding job?

I'm exhausted.

Exhausted of Crazy Company's toxic dramas. Exhausted by the demands of these maybe-my-future-employers.

Fill 10000 forms. Send us your proposal. Make sure you're on time for your interview!

Meanwhile, Crazy Company is as disorganised and chaotic as ever. There's a new demand every day, another unclear, undefined project with an unrealistic timeline lobbed my way. What? You have no experience doing this and you need some guidance? Too bad. Figure it out. But we need it in two weeks, 'kay? No excuses. Or else.

I've tried meditating. Walks. Journalling. Saying no. Hiding in cafes to do my work. Working from home whenever I can.

But I still wake up exhausted and with an aching body. I still battle insomnia and anxiety attacks. I still cry on the way to work sometimes.

Truth is, I think I'm in full-scale burnout mode, and I need to leave this job 100% before I find another. I'm going for interviews with panda eyes for goodness sakes.

So, I've decided, no matter what the outcome of these jobs I'm applying for, I'm quitting my job at the end of the month.

Originally, I wanted to stay on until after June 18 because I'm being sent on a course that I really want to take, but my Mum is actually urging me to quit for my health.

My Baby Boomer mum who thinks it's unfathomable to quit without another job lined up.

"You have us, honey. What are you worried about? I'm worried for you - this job is so bad for your health!"

Having my parents validate me and say that they'll feed me when I'm jobless is validating and very reassuring, hah.

Thank God for my parents, really.

And oddly, my best friend resigned without a job last Thursday. Somehow her brave actions is making me bolder too.

So here's the date: Ideal date - June 18. But most probably I'll be resigning by end of the month.

With or without a job lined up.

Wish me luck.

Introducing Barista Fire

Why am I writing this blog? Well, let's begin with my heart's desire at this moment:

I wish someone would fire me.

You know, hand me a pink slip. Toss my hiney out the door. Cut me off my paycheck.

I long for that like nothing else in the world right now.

Okay, let me explain.

I've been working since I was 16, and I have never had a proper career break.

While my friends were out partying being teenagers and young adults, I was cramming for exams and side hustling as a writer for major publications and ad agencies.

I was fortunate enough to land a job that I adored. I happily worked 12-14 hour days at it, not realising that I was physically and mentally burning myself out until the inevitable happened in my 12th year, where I burnt out so badly I was literally in bed for a month.

Sure, I took the 2-to-3-week break between jobs, but I somehow manage to fill that time up with work too.

Most recently, before starting my current job, I had a 3 week break before I started the job.

What did yours truly do? Fly off to a distant land to cover a major event for a newspaper for a week. I came home two days before starting work, exhausted ... and dreading work.

Truth is, each time I am about to jump of the cliff to take that much-longed-for break from the work grind, a job offer comes along and I'd feel compelled to accept it.

You won't get an offer better than this, says that voice inside me.

I came close once to taking that career break. After 12 years in that career I loved but which had burnt me out, I left everything and moved to Australia. I dreamed of travelling the country, working and volunteering in vineyards and organic farms. My soul was so excited. Finally. Finally I get to do this!!

I think you know how the story went

So, I landed in Australia, and FEAR gripped me. I saw an ad - the Government was apparently giving out scholarships/grants for people to take up certificates in nursing.

So I applied.

I got it.

And started studying and hustling.

Story of my life.

Now here I am, in the 19th year of my life as a working professional, and I want to call it quits.

But I'm afraid too because I'm obsessed with Financial Independence Retire Early (FIRE).

I believed that in order to do so, I had to work my ass off, save as much money as I can, live like a monk until that fateful day when I pull the plug and give a middle finger to all the companies that made my life hell.

But then I discovered "barista FIRE", where you can actually enjoy the journey to financial independence. Where you can live your best now rather than wait for that proverbial day where you save up 25x (or whatever number) your yearly expenses.

And I realise - this is what I want. I don't want to put aside my joy and happiness anymore for a goal that I may never reach. Worse - what if I reach it, only to die the next day?

And I'm super tired of listening to that fearful voice inside me that keeps saying, "Just one more year, and then we can live that unconventional life you want."

Well, shit, I want to live my best life now!

So this blog chronicles my journey to bust out of my workaholic mindset, to let go of the fear that is in the way of living my best life now.

I hope you hang around for a bit as I post my raw, honest posts. I may rant a bit, cry a little, but I'll be real.

See you soon. :)