So it's been a while since I last updated.
Since the last time I blogged, I had passed the probation period at my job. I'm now a full-time permanent staff at GC.
But while I was ecstatic at finally jumping through that seemingly impossible hurdle (my boss didn't make it easy for me), I've been really overwhelmed at work, trying to cope emotionally to what's going on.
As I said in my last post, all is not well in Camelot.
On the whole, Global Company is really good. It's one of the best companies I've been in, in terms of benefits and management. It's in no way, the shit storm that Crazy Co was. I am able to leave work at work because nobody communicates after working hours, which is absolutely orgasmic for me. The HR department is responsive and professional, the CEO actually sent me a birthday card and management often exhorts its people to have fun in the games rooms or join the many social activities it holds. Also, they feed us with fruits and biscuits and have $50k coffee machines and we can even go home two hours early once a month.
Unfortunately, my department has a micro-culture that is a furnace; it's rife with politics that leaves me baffled, unsafe and on guard most of the time.
Well, nothing is perfect as they say.
For the last few months, all my energy has gone to coping emotionally and also to learn as much as I can to manage the job. There's still gaps in my knowledge to fill, and I'm working overtime to do it. So bye-bye tweeting and blogging. (Which is why I've not been around, sorries).
It took me a while to figure out why I was so unhappy in a company that ticks all the right boxes. In fact, for the longest time I was trying to convince myself that nothing was wrong and I was just too traumatised from Crazy Co to think clearly.
High, very high expectations
Have you heard about the DI SC profiling system? It's often used to type work personalities/styles at work. So in the DISC system, I am an "I", an influencer, a fun-loving, life-of-the-party people person. What Influencers fear the most is rejection.
And since I stepped foot in this company I faced rejection after rejection. I was rejected by my immediate supervisor who thinks I'm incompetent. (And I know this because my boss actually told me that!) And I often got told by my boss that there are certain aspects about my personality and behaviour that she doesn't like.
For weeks I tried to behave the way she wanted. But it was never enough.
And a few days ago, I've just had it. I'm not sure why it took me so bloody long, but I'm plain fed up that I'm giving such weight to a stranger's opinion. That my well-being is tied to her opinion of me. I can't control what she thinks of me, so it's futile to even try.
The things that she is criticising me for? Well, it's not really things I can be fired for, so I can just file it under: "Interesting, but who cares" and chuck it out on my mind.
The Stoics have a very useful philosophy - worry only about what you can control. And about people's opinions?
The Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius said:
If you do not worry about what others think, say or do, but only about whether your actions are just and godly, you will gain time and tranquillity. — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Still, this has made me more determined that ever to go Barista FIRE in a couple of years. I want the option of being able to quit if i need to.
Fortunately, I have a good support network at work so it helps me manage the stress. But yes, it does make you wonder why our workplaces are the way they are. And it's making my "why" (for Barista FIRE) even stronger than before.
I'm already probing possibilities in terms of what to do after I quit my job. It's looking promising. More on that next week!
So, the good thing about this whole situation is that I'm learning a lot, gaining valuable skills, and of course, the money.
Meanwhile, I just need to learn how to stop giving a fuck what people think about me. It isn't a useful use of my emotional energy, you know?
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